Olio
by OtterPotter
Summary: A glimpse into a lifetime twice lived. Prompted drabbles counting down until the release of Mass Effect 3 and beyond.  FemShep/Kaidan
1. The Day When Dreaming Ends

**Here begins a collection of prompted Kaidan/FemShep drabbles counting down to the release of Mass Effect 3, because I couldn't resist the hype any longer. Forgive any inaccuracies; they are mostly likely purposefully made in order to create a certain scene or mood. Today's drabble was inspired by a song from **_**Moulin Rouge!. **_

**Read, enjoy, review, and (insert standard disclaimer here). **

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><p><strong>17 Days-The Day When Dreaming Ends<strong>

"_When will I begin to live again?_

_One day I'll fly away,_

_Leave all this to yesterday._

_What more could your love do for me?_

_When will love be through with me?_

_Why live life from dream to dream?_

_And dread the day when dreaming ends." _

_-"One Day I'll fly Away", Moulin Rouge!_

I used the last of my strength to slam my hand down on the evac button, allowing myself a small sigh of relief as the escape pod ejected. Joker was safe. Kaidan was safe. My crew was off what was left of the Normandy. And I was…struggling. Hands clutched onto whatever I could grasp, trying to anchor myself to the Normandy. _There's no way I can get out of this, _I thought desperately. I was being pulled back, out into space. Terrified (yes, the great Commander Shepard does experience fear), I felt my fingers fail me as I was torn away from my anchor and catapulted out into space.

For a heartbeat it was silent. Peaceful. I could just wait here until the rescue team came for me. The next heartbeat there was a beeping noise from somewhere in my suit, and I vaguely heard a hissing noise. _Shit._ My air! My oxygen! How was I going to breathe? Reflexively my hands felt behind my head, trying to fix the problem somehow. Another part of my head started to count what were inevitably to be my last breaths.

1…  
>..2…<br>…Pain blossomed in my chest….  
>..3…<br>…4….  
>..Gasping, my lungs were about to burst…<br>..5….  
>..6….<p>

And then the last inhale brought memories of my love, and our dreams. We wanted to build a life together. We wanted so much. _But I'm dying…_

The very last exhale was accompanied with a plea, and his name.

_Kaidan, please forgive me. I love you._

….

…..

….  
><em>Inhale<em>

….

Exhale

Two years. I had died. Cerberus brought me back to life. Couldn't they at least have had the decency to bring me back a little earlier?

Two years, and everyone I knew had changed. Moved on, done the best that they could with their lives.

And I couldn't even be mad at them, because that's what I wanted them to do. I couldn't even be mad at the circumstances that lead to my death, because it was my own damn fault that I went down with the ship. So I focused my anger at Cerberus. I was justified having a scapegoat as long as they were terrorists, right?

But fate laughed at me once again, forcing me to work with the extremists. And Kaidan Alenko, the only love of my life, spurned me for my necessary alliance.

And so I stopped hoping. I stopped dreaming. One day I'll be away from here, and that was the only promise I could give myself.

Lonely, heartbroken, scarred, I pulled myself together and picked up my gun.

_One day. _


	2. Medbay

**Short drabble today, because I'm up way later than I should be writing this, especially with how early I have to wake up tomorrow. **

**Today's inspiration/prompt was from my visit to the doctor to get my blood taken. I couldn't help but lend Shepard a little bit of my fear of shots…because who would expect her to be? This drabble is set in Mass Effect, right after the beacon on Eden Prime. **

**Read, enjoy, review. Feedback is always appreciated.**

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><p><strong>16 Days-Medbay<strong>

I had made a pact with myself early on that there were some things that no one was ever to know about me. If I was to be taken seriously as a high ranking officer in the Alliance, then certain things needed to stay quiet. It would not be taken well if people knew that _Commander Shepard_, the Hero of Elysium, hated medbays.

The sterile and cold walls watched carelessly as soldiers-people I had fought alongside, joked with, and bled with-left this world. Around the Alliance standard cots was muted grieving, those trying to cope with loss without showing any crack in their exterior. It was also where I had ended up several times, wasting time healing while my people fought in my place. And modern medicine, so full of shots and needles…Yes, I hated medbays. I had seen too many in my day.

So when I found myself in the Normandy's medbay, dazed and bewildered, fighting off the confusion from what must have been a beacon fueled dream, I groaned inwardly. Forcing calmed breaths, I attempted to open my eyes.

"Doctor Chakwas? I think she's waking up." A voice came from somewhere next to me. A male voice that was inexplicably soothing. I opened my eyes to the face of Kaidan Alenko.

Suddenly, medbays were not so bad.


	3. Daunting Epiphany

**I'll admit that I was fairly disappointed today when I saw that there had been no reviews for the second chapter. So, dear readers, today I will ask very nicely. There's nothing better than getting a review, even if it's just one word. The feedback lets me know how I'm doing, if people are actually reading this, and will help me to improve in the long run. Just leave me a thought, please. Reviews are so sincerely appreciated, and I will respond to them all personally. **

**Alright, enough of that. Today's inspiration comes from my English notes. Look at that, they did have a practical use! Probably not quite what my teacher had in mind, but that's alright. And as a side note, it seems as if these drabbles might start getting a little AU. Nothing hugely plot-changing, but just little things that I've interpreted a bit differently than the game does.**

**As always, enjoy, and please tell me what you think**

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><p><strong>. <strong>

**15 Days- Daunting Epiphany **

"_To be romantic is to be wild and sentimental rather than rational, ideal rather than real."_

"_The path to harmony is epiphany, emotional clarity or perfect attention to a thing or place to see the truth."_

_-From Pre-Ap American Literature notes on Romanticism and Transcendentalism._

Feros had contained so many lovely surprises for me and my team; geth, weird plant zombies, mind-controlled colonists, a massive, _mind-controlling_ plant. All in a day's work. Sometimes I wonder if I'll get used to the crazy things I've seen in this galaxy. There is so much out here that people don't even know about. I mean, seriously, plant zombies?

When I first saw the Thorian, I couldn't help speaking the first thought that came to mind.

"We're going to need bigger guns." Behind me, I heard Wrex make a grunting noise that could have been an agreement (one never knew with krogans), and Kaidan chuckling quietly. My heart beat a little faster, but I accounted it to adrenaline. _Focus,_ I thought, _there's a giant plant-thing that needs to be killed._

When we finally made it off of Feros, I was covered in plant goo. Sticky, green, gelatinous goo that was impossible to get off my armor or out of my hair. Frustrated, I retired to my quarters early to try to scrub away the messy substance. By the time I had managed to remove most of it, it had gotten quite late, and most of the crew's shifts had ended. Figuring that they deserved the rest, I tried to get some sleep myself.

Of course, between the nightmares from the beacon and my usual insomnia, sleep was unobtainable. So instead of getting the rest I sorely needed, I went out to the mess hall to find some tea, hoping that would calm me down enough so that I could fall asleep. But when I walked out there I realized I wasn't the only one awake.

"Couldn't sleep either?" Kaidan asked from where he was sitting at the table, a mug in front of him.

"I keep on getting flashes of the beacon. You?" I asked, locating a clean mug and my favorite type of tea, using the hot water heater that I had brought.

"Migraine. It's better now, though. I just didn't feel like going back just yet." I felt a flash of sympathy towards him. Migraines, headaches, those were things I understood. Grabbing my tea I walked over to the table.

"Mind if I join you?" I asked. He nodded.

And it was as simple as that. These nightly meetings became habit, and eventually we talked about everything and everything, from the mission to our pasts to our favorite things. Every day I looked forward to our meetings more and more. They were companionable and dependable, a sort of stability in my otherwise crazy life. The more time I spent with Kaidan, the more I learned about him, thought about him, a thought started to dawn on me. A wild, daunting epiphany.

I was falling in love with Kaidan Alenko.


	4. More Than I Can Stand

**Firstly, thanks so much to everyone who reviewed for the last chapter. I'm glad you all seem to be enjoying it so far. This chapter I would especially like to know what you thought, since I'm tackling the infamous Horizon encounter. Reviews make me incredibly happy, and I will always respond to them if I can. Also, just wanted to make a note on my countdown. If you haven't noticed, I'm counting down to the American release, March 6, counting the day of the release itself. I have something special planned for that day. **

**Today's prompt is another Moulin Rouge! song, "El Tango de Roxanne". It is very heavily based on the quoted section below (and only the quoted section, for those who know the song), and I had the song on repeat while I was writing it. **

**So, without further ado, enjoy, and leave me a review. **

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><p><strong>14 Days-More Than I Can Stand<strong>

"_It's more than I can stand_

_Why does my heart cry?_

_Feelings I can't fight_

_You're free to leave me,_

_But just don't deceive me,_

_And please, believe me_

_When I say I love you."_

_-El Tango de Roxanne, Moulin Rouge!_

Head in my hands, I collapsed onto my bed, trying to grasp what had just happened. My eyes stung from unshed tears, and I felt the precursors of what was going to be a monster headache. _Well, _I thought bitterly, _that could have gone better. _

Horizon. Kaidan Alenko. What a mess.

When I first saw Kaidan my heart soared. Here was the very person I had been searching for tirelessly ever since I woke up on that Cerberus operating table. And when he drew me into his arms, well, the feeling was indescribable. For the first time since my resurrection, I knew that I was really myself, really alive. I felt human again. Whole. I wanted to tell him about everything, ask him to come with me, kiss him soundly despite anyone who was watching. But as soon as he pulled back and I saw the look on his face, the pure hurt and confusion, I realized I had misestimated his reaction to my sudden appearance.

I quickly stumbled over what I wanted to say, trying to combat the accusations that he was throwing at me. I watched as his demeanor turned from warm to hurt, from hurt to betrayed, from betrayed to angry. As he began to leave, I took desperate measures.

"Wait, Kaidan," I said turning him around to face me again.

"Shepard?" he responded. I put my hands on either side of his face, forcing him to make eye contact with me.

"Look at me. You know me. You know me better than anyone! It's _me_. Come with me. _Please._" I pleaded, holding eye contact with him.

"I…can't" he replied quietly. My eyes began to sting.

"_Why?_" I asked desperately. "Why not?"

"You've betrayed the Alliance."

"You know damn well that's not true. I'm doing the best that I can with what I have. They betrayed me. What is it really?"

"You've changed. I don't know who you are anymore. Can't trust you anymore." I flinched, and a fear tears streamed down my cheeks.

"_You can't trust me anymore, I've changed?" _I whispered, not able to believe the words. "Kaidan, I haven't changed. I _love _you. Just like I said I always would."

"No, Shepard. I can't know that." I turned my head away, letting go of his face, not wanting to show him anymore of my vulnerability. Not that I hadn't already given him a show. _Idiot, _I admonished myself, _stupid, idealistic idiot. It's been two years for him. Nothing has changed for you, but everything has changed for him. _

"Nothing I can say can change your mind?" I asked in one last effort.

"I have a report to write," he responded, turning and walking away. Before he was out of earshot he stopped, hesitated, and turned. "Be careful, Shepard."

And that was the last of our conversation. The unexpected heartbreak was devastating as I lay on my bed, the whole conversation still running through my mind. My chest ached; the sting of rejection and the weight of loss filling my being. For all the strength I put out to the public, it had taken one man to break me.

I covered my face in my hands and sobbed.


	5. Treason

**So I have a question for all you readers out there. Do you think that this Shepard so remain unnamed, or should I give her a name? And if I should, do you have any suggestions? Just send me a thought.**

**The inspiration for today was actually last chapter, but I added part of this song in because it fit, in a way. I'm changing things up on you guys today. Hopefully this gives you a bit of a new perspective (figuratively and literally) on this Horizon encounter. **

**I'm taking a bit of a chance here, so I would really appreciate it if you would review and let me know how brilliant I am…heh, I mean what you thought about this chapter. **

**Enjoy! **

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><p><strong>13 Days- Treason<strong>

"_We all have a weakness,_

_Some of ours are easy to identify,_

_Look me in the eye,_

_And ask for forgiveness, _

_Or make a pact to never speak that word again,_

_Yes, you are my friend._

_We all have something that digs at us,_

_At least we dig each other._

_So when weakness turns my ego up,_

_I know you'll count on the me from yesterday." _

_-Dig, Incubus _

It came from the higher-ups. The very, very higher-ups. A rumor, a chance, that Shepard was alive. But with that chance came an order. _You can't join here, under any circumstance._ They had said. _She's with Cerberus, and joining her would be considered the same as treason. _

It had taken quite some time to come to terms with all of this information. Shepard was alive. Two years spent in broken grief, never quite moving on, and now all of the sudden she's back? Was she ever actually dead? How was she alive? And with Cerberus? Why hasn't she contacted me?

There were so many things I was unsure of now. For the second time in two years, I felt as if the ground was pulled from under me, and I suddenly didn't know up from down. Then I was sent to Horizon, and so I shoved all of the feelings together into the corner o f my mind, trying to focus.

But I kept on thinking about it. There had to have been some reason, an explanation behind her actions. The Shepard I knew would never do something like this unless there was no other choice. _But was this the Shepard I knew? _Days after that question took root in my head, she arrived on her in my arms, marveling at how well she fit, even in N7 armor, I knew it was her. This was my Shepard.

During the two years without her, I promised myself that if there was ever a way to see her again, I would never let her go. Now, as I thought of the orders I had been given, I had to eat those words. I was one of the few that knew the truth about the Reaper threat. I couldn't leave the Alliance as unprepared as they were now. I couldn't risk it.

But if she found out that the Alliance, what she grew up with, believed in, had betrayed her like this, it would destroy her. No, it would be better if she thought that I was just to hurt and confused. Which was still partly true, anyway.

Still, it was almost too much to see my words hurting her as she tried to deflect the accusations that I was throwing at her. _It's better this way, _I reminded myself as I began to walk away. Shepard, however, was as stubborn as always.

"Wait, Kaidan," She said turning me around to face her.

"Shepard?" I responded. _Please, don't make this any harder on me. _She put her hands on either side of my face, touch somehow gentle through the gloves. Slowly, she turned my head so that my eyes met her gorgeous blue ones.

"Look at me. You know me. You know me better than anyone! It's _me_. Come with me. _Please._" Shepard pleaded sincerely. My heart broke a little just seeing her like this.

"I…can't" I replied, hoping she would take that so that I could spare her any more pain. She took a deep, sharp breath in.

"_Why?_" She asked, leaning even closer to me. "Why not?"

"You've betrayed the Alliance."

"You know damn well that's not true. I'm doing the best that I can with what I have. They betrayed me. What is it really?" _Oh sweetheart, if only I could tell you everything. _

"You've changed. I don't know who you are anymore. Can't trust you anymore." There were tears streaming down her cheeks. Whatever was left of my heart shattered.

"_You can't trust me anymore, I've changed?"_She whispered, voice rasping a little from the tears. "Kaidan, I haven't changed. I _love _you. Just like I said I always would."

"No, Shepard. I can't know that." And that was it, that was what got her to distance herself from me. She let go of me, looking away. I resisted the urge to pull her into my arms again and wipe away all of her tears.

"Nothing I can say can change your mind?"

"I have a report to write," I responded, walking away. Stopping for a brief moment, I considered telling her everything, taking back my hurtful words. _Treason,_ my mind whispered. So I settled for less than what I wanted to say. "Be careful, Shepard." _Please forgive me. I'll make it up to you soon, love. I promise. _

_I love you. _


	6. Burial Grounds

**Woops, I seemed to have skipped a day. This one is technically yesterday's, today's chapter will be posted probably about an hour after this one. Please accept my apology. **

**The inspiration for this drabble comes from a snow storm and a Reliant K song. It also details what I think is a pretty important (and downplayed) part of Mass Effect 2. Don't forget to tell me what you think!**

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><p><strong>12 Days-Burial Grounds<strong>

"_All this time I never thought,_

_That all we had would be all for naught."_

_-"Which to Bury; Us or the Hatchet?", Reliant K_

The snow fell heavily, whipping at my armor, resisting me. That same snow suffocated the planet, burying the remains of the corpse that lie here. This whole place seemed barren, freezing, and uninhabited. _It was only fitting, _I thought. There was an eerie calm, and a shiver coursed through my body that had nothing to do with the temperature that my N7 suit kept out. This was the crash site of the Normandy. It was also where I had died.

Bits and pieces of my former home where strewn across the surface. All different parts of the ship, some recognizable. Large chunks of the ship protruded from the ground, reaching to the sky like metallic spires. I passed the CIC, the helm, and the Mako. Never had I thought that I would actually want to be back in that vehicle. But even my terrible driving would be better than what I had now.

Glints came up at me through the snow, the reflected light catching my eye. Dog tags, one of the reasons I was here in the first place. Solemnly I collected them, fingers running over the engraved plates as I remembered the owners of each of them. It was yet another harsh reminder of the price that was being paid. In blood.

When I had found all twenty of them I made my way back to the broken helm. _This was the place_. This was where the memorial would go. After it had been place I stood in silence, taking in the whole site. There would be no tears today, only painful remembrances, and a wish that I wasn't here alone.

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><p>A few years later, after the war had ended, I came back to the burial grounds of the Normandy. I stood again in front of the statue, contemplating all that had happened. So much had changed for me, I had changed. There was still a weariness to me, one of someone who had fought hard and sacrificed much. But there was also the joy of victory, and the peace of retirement. I was done fighting.<p>

In this moment though, I felt the weight of all of the losses bearing down on me. Before I could help it, a choked sob escaped my lips. Then there was an arm around my shoulder, and I was pulled into an embrace.

"Shhh," he whispered, holding me closer, "I know, sweetheart. It's ok to let it out. I'm here, and I always will be." I stayed into his arms until I had no more tears.

"I'm ready," I said quietly.

"Let's go home, Mrs. Alenko." He said, making me smile.

"After you, Mr. Alenko."


	7. Love Hurts

**I'm still a bit behind, so this is actually Saturday's drabble. If anyone wants a specific part of Mass Effect or Mass Effect 2 explored in a chapter, let me know. I only have one more certain one that I know I want to do, and that's going to be the last one. I'm playing around with perspective today, so this one is in third person. **

**Inspiration comes from the following Incubus song, and the last bit of the last chapter. Leave me a review and tell me what you think. **

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><p><strong>11 Days- Love Hurts<strong>

"_My heart still has a beat,_

_But love is still a feat,_

_As common as a cold day in L.A._

_Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder,_

_Is there a spell that I am under,_

_Keeping me from seeing the real thing?_

_Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt,_

_And it feels like I'm alive._

_Love sings when it transcends the bad things._

_Have a heart and try me, 'cause without love I won't survive."_

_-"Love Hurts", Incubus _

After the Sovereign's attack on the Citadel, they were considered heroes. The whole crew of the Normandy had gotten shore leave. Now that they were back, they were sent after geth. _Geth_. The Council and the Alliance were already downplaying the existence of the Reapers, accounting the damage to the Citadel to the geth. And surprisingly enough, for now Kaidan Alenko didn't mind. He had time to spend with Shepard, and for the moment that was what mattered.

Shore leave had been beyond wonderful. A week of just him and Shepard together, no geth attacks, no Reapers. They had stayed on an out-of –the-way tourist planet known for both its pristine beaches and privacy. He had gotten to see a side of Shepard that he hadn't ever seen before. She smiled and laughed, told jokes, and relaxed. And it was beautiful.

One night, as they lay together under the stars, listening to the crash of the ocean, she turned to him. Moonlight reflected off of her normally pale skin, making her face seem shades lighter than it actually was. Her chestnut hair curled around her face, and he gently moved a stray strand away from her eyes.

"Kaidan?" she said.

"Mmhh?" he answered.

"What are _we_?" she asked. _They _were against every fraternization rule in the book. _They _were not supposed to be together.

"What do you want _us_ to be?" he replied after a long pause.

"Together." She responded.

"I think I can handle that."

Two years later, he sits at his desk, trying to come up with an apology for the events on Horizon. As he thinks, his fingers toy with a ring that he's had with him for those two years now. It had been locked away for most of that time because of the wave of grief that hit him every time he looked at it. A simple gold band inlayed with a small diamond, the only thing remarkable about it was the engraving on the inside.

_Always together. _


	8. Expectations

**Here's Sunday's drabble. It's about 12:40 Monday morning (thankfully I don't have to wake up early today), so I'm not exactly caught up, but it's close enough. This drabble is back in first person.**

**The inspiration for this drabble is my long-lasting search for the right name for Shepard. I finally found one I like, and so I was prompted to establish her character a little more. In Kaidan's point-of-view, because who doesn't like the blossoming stages of love? **

**As always, enjoy and leave me a review. **

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><p>10 Days-Expectations<p>

Commander Sarah Shepard, Hero of Elysium, was a lot different than I had expected her to be. Sure, there were stories about her. Almost everyone who had served under her had a positive regard of her. She was a natural leader, a war hero, a fair commanding officer, and open-minded. In general, I had expected good things of her. From the first moment I saw her, she had blown those expectations away.

At first sight she wasn't a very imposing figure. About average height, she had pale skin and deep brown hair that ended abruptly at her shoulders, curling slightly at the ends. Her eyes were an indescribable shade of blue, outlined by thick eyelashes and light eye shadow. Her lips were obviously colored, slight pinker than they would have been naturally. She smiled briefly at one of the crew, lighting up her eyes. She was very feminine for a soldier. And to me, she was beautiful.

Shepard's first few days on the Normandy were spent getting to know all of the crew. She connected with her people, smiling and telling stories while still managing to keep the air of leadership she had acquired somewhere along the line. Shepard even managed to get Joker's regard, listening to his concerns and matching his sarcasm with a wit that rivaled his own. Within days she had established herself with her people.

If there was ever any doubt in my mind that she was not skilled enough to be Commander, it was erased the first moment I saw her fight. She fought with the precision and accuracy of a warrior. Always ready, alert, and focused, she directed her squad on with wisdom and authority.

There was so much to her. Every time I thought I was starting to understand her she did something that completely threw me off. The more time I spent with her, the more I wanted to know about her. And the more I realized that this could become very bad for me, very fast.


	9. Gravity Still Makes Us Fall

**Yesterday was crazy. I stayed up so late working on the last two chapters, and then I was at the doctor's or doing homework the whole rest of the day. Nevertheless, I am caught up now. This is Monday's, and today's will be posted immediately afterwards. **

**The inspiration was actually the scene described, the song came after the idea.**

**Enjoy and leave a review!**

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><p><strong>9 Days-Gravity Still Makes Us Fall<strong>_  
>"And all of us we will endure<br>Just like we always have  
>But you just can't be too sure<br>How long this will last  
>'cause we control the chaos<br>In the back of our minds  
>Our problems seem so small<br>But they grow on us like gravity  
>But gravity still makes us fall"<em>

_-"The Only Thing Worse Than Beating a Dead Horse is Betting on One", Relient K_

What an absolute, complete mess. The whole galaxy was in danger from the Conduit and the Reapers, and yet all the Council could do was set up some ships. And _ground_ me. All of the sudden, I felt like a teenager again. Only this time, the punishment inflicted on me could affect the entire galaxy.

My hands were tied. Official channels were cut, and there was no way in hell we were going to get out of here on our own. As I slammed myself down next to the lockers in frustration, I realized how little I could do. One person, one ship, in the face of the galaxy. Suddenly everything seemed a lot worse.

And then there was Kaidan, dependable, companionable, Kaidan. Cautious as ever, but he was still _there. _And caution I could understand. There were lines here that we were crossing, but everything was becoming so blurry that I couldn't tell anymore. And when he smiled at me when I managed to get an 'it will be alright' out of him…well, I didn't know if I cared where the lines where. Regulations be damned, I had never felt like this before.

His touch, as he reached out his hand to mine, sent shivers through my body, and I stumbled as I was being pulled up. Then I was in his arms, heart racing at our proximity. And amazingly, as we stood there, I felt his heart beat in time to my own. This was what I had been waiting for. Something I had been missing fell into place, despite all of the obstacles and regulations. _Love_.


	10. Insomnia

**And finally I'm caught up. This is today's. Yes! **

**Inspiration comes from the idea of insomnia (something I have experienced a lot lately), and how I can play around with the meaning of falling asleep and feeling rested.**

**Enjoy! Review!**

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><p><strong>8 Days- Insomnia <strong>

"**Insomnia-Inability to fall asleep or to remain asleep long enough to feel rested."**

There was peace. Soft, warm silence. There were no thoughts, no worries, and no fears. There was no need for those trivial things. And then a thought ripped through my solace. _Am I dead? _ Then the jarring memories-lungs ready to burst from lack of air, air leaking out of my suit. There was something after that I couldn't quite remember-something to do with the peace.

It was the voices that reminded me of my eyes. I could open them and see where I was. That proved more difficult than I thought, and when I finally could open them the light was so bright, and everything was so hazy. _Who are those people? _I wondered, not recognizing anyone. Something within me told me that this was very wrong, that I shouldn't be here. My thoughts began to race as I couldn't place where I was. _What had happened? Was I _dead_? Where was Kaidan? Where was I?_ Then I was being pushed, and none of those things mattered. Only sleep, only rest.

But this time, there were thoughts. _I should wake up, _my mind suggested. The rest of me wholeheartedly resisted. I craved the respite. The peace. _You're not done yet, _my mind tried again, and again to no avail. _The galaxy still needs you. Kaidan still needs you. _His name was enough. Kaidan wassomething that I wanted even more than peace and that I would give up my own happiness for. That I loved.

And so I struggled again to open my eyes, to move, feeling overwhelmingly exhausted.

Over the loudspeakers of the room I was in came an unfamiliar accented voice.

"Shepard. Wake up, Shepard."

_No rest for me yet._


	11. Lost

**3/5: This was intended for yesterday, but then fanfiction decided to not let me into my document manager so I could upload it. **

**Life has been crazy, I've gotten sick, and teachers have been assigning as much homework as possible, which lead to my daily posting objective being thrown off quite a bit. For now I think I'm just going to forget about the days that I missed and go on from today's. I might go back and add them in if enough people want them or I have time, but if it doesn't matter that much to people then I won't spend time writing them. **

**Inspiration for this one is gifts to Shepard.**

**Review and enjoy! **

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><p><strong>2 Days-Lost <strong>

It started with a very small thing. A tin of my favorite strawberry tea left in my locker, juxtaposed next to my weapons and equipment. I looked at it curiously. I hadn't really advertised my love of this specific tea, or just tea in general. There was really only one person who would have known; my constant companion out in the mess during my insomnia riddled nights. The gesture was undeniably sweet, especially from the hesitant, very by-the-book giver. _This is bad, _I thought,_ there are regs against infatuations like this. You shouldn't be…_

But I looked back at the tin, remembering the frigid cold of Noveria that I couldn't shake off. _Just this one time. _

The second time it was a journal. A real, beautifully bound journal with thick, off-white, blank pages. I turned it over in my hands a few times, remembering my earlier conversation about how I missed having real paper to put my thoughts to. Smiling slightly, I settled down at my desk. This had definitely been from Ash. Taking a pencil from the pack that had been lying on top of the journal, I started to sketch something to give her back.

The last time it was a necklace I found on my nightstand at the hotel I had been spending shore leave at. It was a simple red stone on a simple silver chain, and it was absolutely beautiful. I got up drowsily and went to properly thank the giver of it. As soon as he saw me he gave me a nervous smile.

"I didn't know if you even like that kind of…" he started. I cut him off with a kiss.

The tea was finished within a few weeks of receiving it, after which the tin served as a pencil holder that survived with the journal until the wreck of the Normandy. The necklace was also lost in the wreck, until two years later I found it gleaming back at me in the snow covered planet next to a pair of dog tags. I picked it up, taking with me yet another reminder of what I've lost.


	12. And I Keep On Breathing

**Consider this my apology for missing a few days. Three drabbles in one chapter on the eve of the game's release. And tomorrow's the last chapter! I couldn't possibly be more excited for Mass Effect 3 tomorrow!**

**Hope you enjoy these, they're some of my favorites! Review please and tell me what you thought. **

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><p><strong>One Day <strong>

**Exhale**

This was it. I had compiled a team full of some of the best people that I've ever worked with. The Normandy had been given as many upgrades as we could possibly think of. We were as ready as we could be, given the circumstances. As we charted a course for the Omega 4 Relay, everyone headed off to their perspective station, past settled, focused on the mission ahead. Well, almost everyone.

In my quarters I admitted to myself that I hadn't put the past behind me. I was still trying to hold on steadfastly as it all slipped through my fingers. My eyes fell on the holo of Kaidan in its frame on my desk. His features stared back at me; warm brown eyes, thick dark hair, and handsome face. I remembered what it felt like to have his face pressed to my own, to trace his jaw with my fingers, my lips. And the longing was overwhelming.

I breathed in a deeply. _Remember all of this, _I thought. _This is what you're fighting for. _Then I exhaled slowly. _Let it go. _Walking away, I went to try and rest as much as I could.

_There'll be time for it later. _

**Sick**

When I woke up this morning I felt like my throat was on fire. It itched and burned while my nose was clogged and achy. The lucid part of my brain wondered how I could possibly be sick, with all of the Cerberus implants and my normally high-functioning immune system. _Stress, _my mind told me. _You get sick when you run yourself too hard. Always have. _This little consistency meant that I was still myself. I was still human. I may have died and been brought back to life, but I still got colds when I worked to hard.

And for the rest of the day I couldn't help the smile I had on my face, stuffy nose, sore throat, and all.

**Three Times, No Replies **

_About Horizon…_

The first time I read it through I was relieved he was still talking to me. And apologizing, believe it or not. It was a glimmer of hope that we could make it through all of this mess. That maybe he still wanted me, and maybe I would have something to come home to. I scrambled to write a reply, but collapsed from exhaustion onto my bed halfway through.

The second time I read it through I was angry. It was a half-assed apology at best, with to many ifs, buts, and maybes to be anything to hold onto. Furiously I deleted my half formed reply, and began forming a new one. By the time I had finished I had mellowed, and I read my reply over and, noting the amount of expletives, promptly deleted it.

The third time I read it through it sounded just like him. Cautious. He was trying to explain without attaching himself to me in any way. He was leaving a way out. Nostalgia coursed through me and I fingered the necklace I wore constantly ever since I had found it. There was a time that he would have put away that part of himself for me, thrown caution to the wind like we did the night before Illos. But, it had been two years, and that in itself had reverted him back to the reserved soldier that I had coaxed him out of. For the last time I started to put together a reply…and was interrupted by Joker, who informed me of a fight between Jack and Miranda. Sighing, I put down the datapad on my nightstand, where it stayed, untouched, until after we came back from the Collector base.


	13. Time to Wake Up

**And I was wrong about this being the last chapter. I thought I was almost done, but then I checked amazon and my copy of ME3 is Tennesee at the moment, and I got a review, and I just felt too excited to stop. This piece is something I've worked on for awhile, and it's a little bit different from previous pieces in this story. But Olio means a miscellaneous collection, so it fit right in with the rest of them. I think that I'll continue this story even after the release of Mass Effect 3. I like writing little snapshots, and I have a feeling the third game is going to give me plenty of fuel. A quick thanks to all of the support I've been getting; without you this fanfiction would have ended a long time ago. **

**Tell me what you think about this one and leave me a review! **

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><p><strong>One Day- Time to Wake Up<strong>

Sunlight streamed through the curtains, shining straight into my eyes, forcing me to wake up. I rolled over, stretching out on the large bed. It took a minute to adjust to my surroundings, to the way my chestnut hair fell past my shoulders, to the comfort and size of the bed, to the fact that this was a room in a house (and not on a spaceship), and to my state of dress (or undress, really).

The other side of the bed was empty, sheets thrown off the bed haphazardly. I rolled over to that side to snuggle into the pillow. It smelled like him. Suddenly, there was a compelling need to be close to him. But he wasn't anywhere to be found, so I did the next best thing and found one of his shirts and putting it on before settling back into his side of the bed.

"Good morning sunshine," he said, walking into the door. He sat down next to me, and then leaned over to kiss me.

"Good morning Kaidan," I replied, wrapping my arms around his neck.

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><p><em> "You've betrayed the Alliance, and you've betrayed me. I can't be with you, especially when you are with Cerberus."<em>

_ "But Kaidan I-"_

_ "Sorry Shepard. I can't. I still know where my duty lies."_

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><p>"Anything for you, Shepard." He told me. I grinned at him.<p>

"I'm not Shepard anymore," I said, pointing to a ring on my finger, "I'm Mrs. Sarah Alenko now. You should remember. You were there." He smiled back at me.

"How could I forget the most important night of my life? I just like hearing you say it."

I replied with a smile as I got up and walked into the bathroom. While I was washing her face, a small box caught my eyes.

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><p>"<em>For the most part, Cerberus did a thorough job resurrecting you. The Lazarus Project restarted all of your vital organs, allowing you to live again. However, there was one organ they deemed unnecessary, and it might have sustained extensive damage unchecked. Unfortunately at this time it may be too late, and you don't have the luxury of taking the time or the risk that a surgery would entail. I'm sorry, Commander." <em>

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><p>I stumbled out of the bathroom.<p>

"Sweetheart? Are you alright?" Kaidan asked, immediately at my side. When I didn't reply he pulled me into his arms. "Sarah, what's wrong?" I pulled back a little so that I was looking him in the eyes, and for a minute I was struck by how beautiful they were, even filled with concern as they were now. The corners of my lips started to turn upwards as I grinned slowly.

"Kaidan Alenko," I said, stretching his name out, "you are going to be a father." His smile was heart-meltingly beautiful as he kissed me, and we both were laughing and crying, marveling at our ability to create new life.

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><p><em> "So that means I won't be able have children, right?"<em>

_ "I'm afraid it's not likely."_

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><p>The joy that we both felt at the prospect of the new life inside of me was overwhelming, and I couldn't recall a time when I had been happier. Come to think of it, I couldn't recall very much. My memories were a little fuzzy. I frowned a little at that, but then thought it was probably just the excitement that was getting to my head.<p>

"Love, this is amazing news," Kaidan finally said. "Your parents are going to be ecstatic when we tell them at dinner tonight."

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><p><em> "There were two caskets at the funeral, and neither of them had been opened at the wake. The crash had been so brutal that the carnage was horrifying. But I didn't want to see them anyways, lifeless. They had always been so full of life, even though they both were very focused on their military careers. I only had a day. I only had that day, the funeral and the memorial service, to say goodbye to my parents. But that was what it took for me to join the Alliance."<em>

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><p>I pulled away from Kaidan quickly, backing up against the wall.<p>

"My parents have been dead for eleven years." I said. And there was a jolt and a flash of bright light. I blinked repeatedly, trying to regain my vision.

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><p>"Shepard? Can you hear me?" Dr. Chakwas' voice floated somewhere around my head. I blinked, opening my eyes to the stark brightness of the Normandy's medbay. "You've been unconscious for several hours. You took quite the hit to the head." I sat up, trying to process everything.<p>

"None of that was real," I said quietly, earning me a sympathetic look from Dr. Chakwas.

"You were dreaming while you were unconscious," she replied gently.

"It's time to wake up," I murmured to myself.


	14. Fidget

**It's been awhile, hasn't it? I've been busy playing Mass Effect 3…oh, and going to school. Yeah, that too. As for the future of this story, it's still going to be a collection of oneshots/drabbles that I don't want to stand on their own for various reasons. Here's a little something because I have ACTs tomorrow and I am super anxious about them. Oh, and if you're in the mood for something unnecessarily silly and fun, check out my story **_**How Did That Get There?**_**. Seriously. Do it. **

**Reviews improve my Galactic Readiness Rating…er, my writing. And my mood! **

**Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Fidget<strong>

She fidgeted.

It was barely noticeable- a tap of the fingers here, a shift of position there. Her foot began to move of its own accord, bare toes tracing circles on the stone cold floor. Somewhere inside the pit of her stomach, a knot took root firmly, spreading its influence up and down her body, curling tendrils around her spine, oozing through her toes. The inside of her ears pounded, a thrumming echo of her racing heart. An itch spread its way to her fingers as they craved movement. Thoughts ran around and around her head before settling at her temples, putting pressure on her already clouded and sleep deprived head. When she blinked, her eyes ached, screaming at her to rest and relax. She ignored them.

She fidgeted.

It was barely noticeable-but he noticed it. He could feel her whole body shake as he pulled her into her arms. He felt the tension under his fingertips as they glided up and down her shoulder blades in an effort to calm her. Her forehead was burning under his lips as he gently reassured her that he was there. Even as close to her as he was, he had never seen her so worked up before. In a way, sensing her anxiety made him love her even more. She was as human as he was.

Slowly she closed her heavy lids, leaning back into his warm mass. A sigh escaped her as his fingers wove their way through her hair and then found their way to her temple, circling smoothly around the tense area, until her breathing slowed and her thoughts eased. As she felt the hazy beckon of sleep wrap around her, she foggily thought how grateful she was to have someone who took care of her, even when she was too stubborn to ask for it. Someone to lean on.


	15. Poison

**Early game spoilers ahead for Mass Effect 3, although I suppose you all have finished it by now. I haven't yet, mostly because I've become a perfectionist and I simply do not have the time to play multiplayer every hour of my life. Yet. Anyways, it's been awhile, but thanks to the Avengers Assemble soundtrack, I actually have prompts! Yay! This one, I swear, when I wrote it I had a very clear purpose and then I actually delved into it and it went off and became self-aware. True story. Plus, I've had a monster cold for the past few days which has got me on medicine and my brain is a lot fuzzier than usual. I did, however, go off of my normal track and tried to show a more self-assured, strong Shepard, and a confused Kaidan. Go figure. **

**This remains the same however: Enjoy and review!**

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><p><em>"I'm alive, I'm alive, when you're dead inside,<br>I'm a slap in the face to your lullaby,  
>Got you all tongue tied 'cause you're living a lie, my friend,<br>I'm alive, I'm alive, when you're dead inside,  
>I'm your wake-up call, and you know I'm right,<br>So make a move, let it bleed,  
>Tear your heart off your sleeve,<br>But I'm the only one who's gonna save your life."_

_-I'm Alive, Shinedown_

**Poison**

There was so much to comprehend. Earth was burning and the Normandy was fleeing. Commander Sarah Shepard took a deep breath, steadying herself on the wall next to her. Six months. Six months spent in a cushy cell, with Vega as the only constant friendly face. That was time that she sorely needed, and could never get back. Images of the destruction she had witnessed burned through her mind, leaving ash that she knew she'd have to deal with later. Now, however, there was much to be done. Shepard captured a stray hair that was obstructing her vision and secured it behind her ear, and steeled herself. As much as she attempted to make it not so, she was and had always been the one force that was constantly countering the Reapers. Lives hung on her actions, her resolve, and every move that she was to make from here on out was crucial.

Major Kaidan Alenko had barely looked at her since she had boarded the Normandy. He couldn't help thinking about how much had changed, how many critical moments of each other's lives they had missed. And now, with the Earth under siege, he doubted if they were ever be able to go back to where they were before, or even get a chance to figure out what they _were _anymore. Priorities had to be put in place. Still, as they left the Normandy to investigate Mars, a small part of him noticed how similar she was to the Shepard he had known years ago. It felt so right to be next to her again. He fit so easily by her side, in her team, that it seemed natural that this was where he would be. But he couldn't forget Cerberus, and when the organization showed its ugly head on Mars the tendrils of doubt that resided in his mind curled themselves around his thoughts.

Shepard had noticed the suspicion in his voice, and couldn't help the harshness that tinged her tone as she reassured him of her allegiance. It was part hurt, part anger, and part sheer frustration at his adamant distrust of her intentions. Finally she couldn't take it.

"You, of all people, should what I'm about." She offered him. And, "Please, trust me."

Her words cut through his rather lengthy inner monologue that was justifying his mistrust. The familiar, almost comforting repetition of thoughts along the line of, '_She's not the same woman I fell in love with…She's changed…She doesn't want to speak to me anymore…She doesn't care about me or my opinion anymore…She was with the enemy…She may still be with the enemy.' _Now, with his shattered justification, he was only left a heap of emotions tainted by doubt, guilt, and confusion. He just couldn't tell himself that she didn't feel for him anymore. When she spoke to him she practically radiated concern and sincerity, along with her old calm confidence. Kaidan knew Shepard, really knew her, and she seemed more on the level than he was. She was giving him all she could afford, trying to recapture his trust, and all he could offer to her was a few words that sprung from his inner decay to ring hollow and stale in the tense air.

"I do, I'm sorry…"

It was as if he couldn't speak anymore. Shepard had called him out, had dredged up the dark parts of his mind and now that they were out he couldn't stop from them from spouting out the poisonous thoughts.

"Is that what they did to you?" He had asked as they perched over the horrid corpse, a man that was no longer a man, yet not quite a husk either. It was a man corrupted, a soul sacrificed in the name of "improvement". The look on her face had been enough to make him want to take back his words. A flash of hurt, then a sigh of frustration came from her, and it was evident that there were things that she wanted to say. But he held her back with even more questions, even more doubts.

Even as he threw this at her she still swallowed her wounds and tried to remedy his poisonous thoughts. Because they were killing him slowly, and she couldn't stand being so far away from him, even as they were so close to each other. She knew exactly who she was. Commander Sarah Shepard, just the same as she had always been. Now she only had to make him see that, before it killed them both.


	16. Formality

**To win over all of your reviews, I give you a happy snapshot. It's intentionally written so that it could take place at any time after the events of the first game. It spawned from my experience earlier today with formal wear and specifically my thought, "I'm visually impaired, I should be allowed to wear whatever the hell shoes I want." Anyways, this contains copious amounts of fluff. Actually, it's all fluff. You have been warned.**

**Have fun and please review or I will have to take even more drastic measures. **

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><p><strong>Formality <strong>

"I'm the savior of the damn_ galaxy_," I muttered in frustration.

Kaidan let out a low chuckle from the other side of the room, content to observe my suffering. I shot him a look, which unfortunately did not dissuade him from continuing.

"They know that," he reminded me. "It's the reason for the party."

"Politics," I said acidly, "is the reason for the party." Kaidan stood up, crossing over to where I was surveying my choices. There was a mischievous light in his eye that I distrusted; I knew that look.

"And so the great Commander Shepard was defeated by a dress," he teased, attempting to wrap his arms around me. "Where did they get these for you? You better do something about that place before everyone discovers your weakness." I rolled my eyes, dodging his reach and snatching up one of the most promising candidates- a modest red dress with the least amount of embellishments of the group.

"It's not the dresses I have a problem with, actually." I informed him as I proceeded to try the dress on, attracting a fair amount of his attention. "It's the whole principle. I have to jump through their hoops even as they're thanking me." At this point, however, he was barely focused on what I was saying. When I fumbled with the zipper in the back of dress, he moved my fingers gently, replacing them with his own. I felt his touch through the thin fabric of the garment as he secured the zipper and fastened the top clasp.

"Well," I said, turning towards him and fidgeting with a stray piece of my hair. "What do you think?" He was quiet for a moment, tucking the stray hair that I had been playing with moments earlier behind my ear. Then he leaned in and kissed me.

"You look beautiful," he reassured me when we parted, holding me in his arms. Our foreheads met, lips only a breath widths away.

"I don't feel like myself." I admitted.

"But you still are," he assured. I brushed my lips against his again briefly and then pulled away, ducking out of his reach before he could pull me back.

"You, sir," I said with mock severity, "still have a lot to do. I could leave now, without you."

"Not quite, Shepard," he countered. "Unless you're planning on going barefoot."

Looking down at my feet, I felt a sense of dread filling me. The small pile of impractical shoes taunted me from the other side of the room.

"I'm the savior of the galaxy," I stated. "I should be entitled to wear whatever shoes I want."

Kaidan just laughed.


End file.
